Advice to the Elgin man looking for a spouse
By Jeff Ward email@example.com October 10, 2011 9:18AM
Updated: November 16, 2011 11:10AM
You have to admire 38-year-old Elgin resident Paul Gutierrez’ persistence and panache. Here’s a man who knows what he wants and he’s willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means standing at the corner of National and Grove in a suit and gorilla mask to get it.
Yes, Mr. Gutierrez wants a wife and nothing’s going to stand in his way — well, other than that minor detail of having no fiancé.
Some folks might try online dating, most would give the bars a shot and others might attend a singles function. But not our intrepid bachelor — he’s pulling out all the stops.
Gutierrez started with a blog (handsomepaul.blogspot.com) that lists the 38 reasons why single women should love him, but don’t. This personal inventory includes not leaving the toilet seat up, not being a felon — yet — and that he’s not picky.
When the blog failed to produce, Gutierrez then made headlines by offering to donate half a year’s salary to charity if anyone came up with a spouse. But that, too, fell flat, so now he’s roaming Elgin’s streets in monkey garb, carrying a sign reading, “Help! Wife Wanted!”
Since I’ve always dreamed of being an advice columnist, I’m going to give his dilemma my best shot. After all, how could I possibly do any worse than Amy Dickinson?
Paul, if you really want to attract a wife, the first thing you have to do is to appear utterly disinterested. Since no woman can stand to be ignored, that feigned indifference draws them to you like flies.
Better yet, act disinterested while you’re with another woman. One of life’s cruel ironies is, women want what other women already have. So when you’re single, they snub you, but if you even seem to have a girlfriend, they can’t ignore that kind of competition.
Paul, your blog is the perfect example of TMI (too much information). Call me crazy, but I’d get rid of the stuff about your back hair, bowel movements and regularly shaving your nose.
Women say they want men to be honest with them, but the truth is they’d rather have to pry the truth out of us with a rusty crowbar. They like dark, brooding, silent types because it gives their empty lives meaning. It gives them something to do. If you spill the beans from day one, what’s the point?
Paul, your whole “I’m a responsible adult” shtick has got to go. You’d think being “disease and drug free,” paying for dates and not being a felon would be good things. But they’re not. Women want a “bad boy” they have to take care of. Do you really want to deprive your future spouse of the joy of crying on her girlfriend’s shoulder because you’re such an irresponsible, insensitive and immature clod?
And Paul, drop the “nice guy” image. Listing qualities like rescuing puppies, being romantic, and being a giver can’t possibly work in your favor. Women say they want a nice guy, but they really don’t.
They want a project. They want a challenge. They want a man they can relentlessly try to fix. But remember, while it’s important to provide her with hope you’ll change, you can never allow yourself become completely “fixed.” Because if you do let her turn you into a feminized replica of herself, she’ll just dump you for the next macho guy who treats her like garbage.
But all is not lost, Paul. Number 21 on your list, “You’ll always be the smart one,” is dead on.
As evidenced by any TV commercial or sitcom, women want to marry a man to whom they can feel intellectually superior. If you’re smart enough to play dumb, not only does that give them a purpose (they have to look out for you), it makes them feel that much better about themselves. “Accidentally” ruin a load of laundry and you’ll be in like Flint.
Here’s what I want you to do: At that next Elgin singles function, sit in a corner talking with another guy, ignoring all the women. Pound down as many pints of “near beer” as you possibly can (drink one real lager for that irresistible alcohol scent). And be sure your facial expression and demeanor approximate that of someone who’s just been kicked in the gut.
When women approach you — and they will — respond only in disinterested monosyllabic grunts — to the friend they brought with them. I swear you’ll have the pick of the litter.
Now some folks, myself included, think this is nothing more than Gutierrez’ ploy to launch a comedy career, but he insists he’s on the level. It that’s true, he may want to talk to a married man before continuing his quest. They might offer him sage advice like “Be careful what you wish for!”
Jeff Ward can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.